today, i learnt the important lesson of:
no matter how much you try
or what you do,
it's not going to be okay.
In a whirlwind of assignments, interviews and other things, I ended up in a few different places. A lot of them familiar and a lot of them frustrating. As always, there's another job on the horizon, and as per usual, exams will be/are looming. I have the dates and everything clashes and I'm handling it the only way I can. Except that I've gained two kgs and I don't know how to get rid of them in a permanent way. Maybe one kg drops off but that's just for the one day and I don't know what to do about it besides just cutting portions or changing what I eat and exercising but it's not actually working.
I was really enjoying the first four months of being lighter.
I've read everything I can and all it is that once you reach a certain weight, you either have to drive yourself on to work harder to lose more or you have to keep struggling to maintain it, which I've known since I was like, twelve. But it doesn't make any of this easier, or any nicer. Never mind that I get hungry at the weirdest times for the strangest things, and my skin is breaking out, my assignment piles just keep growing which means I have no time to exercise the way I should be.
My training and my exams are going to clash, which is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world, really.
In an attempt to be a nice person, I've been rereading and editing resumes and cover letters for my friends and juniors. No, as in, this is a plural and it is not a lie, it's actually something I'm doing as either a good deed or hobby. Pick one, it's equally as odd to me as it sounds.
There's no changing people, or what they say or do. Their actions are their own. You can't control them and you can't change them. You can only handle how you feel about it. Which, unfortunately, is the usual anvil drop of anguish and desperate frustration and despair. But then we just get up and keep fighting on, just as we always do.
nightmare nightmare nightmare.
it's not even a matter of being better or being nice or anything. it's just the fact that well, everything's proven once more that I can't even go through one year without some epic friendship mess up psycho drama that just lands me in more messes that just make me question my entire existence. didn't have an appetite for a whole day, or two. didn't have energy for the last few weeks. don't think it's changing, not after this no matter how many lists or timers I set in hopes of it.
well, at least it's entertaining for the rest of the world.
Not even twenty four hours later and a lot of things, revelations and jesus, why doesn't someone just write a drama about my life. I could come up with great titles. It can be the year long epic that's thirty something episodes of crazy and every plot twist is the same over used things. I think I could tolerate everything else, being whatever you say I am. I'm a stone, I'll roll. It's happened a lot, saying I'm something and the entire world believing it and no ability to communicate with anyone, people knowing who I am by word of mouth and avoiding me. But now, what I can't take is that christ, people who do know better taking the winning side.
then again, this is reality.
as said before, the odds are never really in my favour.
then again, it could be worse (I'm still telling myself it could be worse, because it can and I won't let it).
someone just fix this for me.
I think, the hardest part is always coming back after everything and returning to this never ending cycle of 'what I've done wrong now' and so on. I know better than to expect people to think nice thoughts, or to hope for nicer things. But the disappointment hurts, and the change is slow. I've lost my movie buddy, I think. It's a sad thing but I kind of expected it. The odds have never been in my favour.
It's winter, very winter and I'm looking towards spring when the river is lit up once more.
it could be better. but it could be worse.
thank you for playing. better luck next time.
I should be studying or writing, or studying and writing and eating healthily, but this is me. We're not going to get anywhere until I put all this out here.
I regret leaving photography. I regret not being mature enough to swallow down my sadness and my emotions in order to built a portfolio. I regret not sustaining the beneficial relationships built through it. Because I did love photography and I used to be good at it. And I say used to, because that talent's faded away. The camera is clumsy in my hands. My ability to create just faded with my passion, my willingness to establish a relationship, to trust, that vision I had is all gone.
I just had to say all that. But I really regret it.
I would have probably moved, once I built up everything. I would have been starving and broke and working odd jobs but I would have been doing something that I had confidence in. I would have been somewhere else.
People kept asking me, through all of last year, what do I want to do. What did I want to do.
It could have been writing or acting, it would have been a lot of things. But I stopped thinking about photography. I just didn't want to think about it anymore.
What is the saying right now.
Lose weight, get pretty. Beauty makes you strong.
Maybe that's what happened. I traded my camera in for some scales.
Look at me, posting so often and for general things and not locking my words in my heart. Is this progress or is this just constant talking into space. Could be both, could be whatever.
Trying to lock down on a bunch of study and saving. Trying to get things organised. Still really utterly exhausted but I'm not sure if that's all the work and study and running around or the trying to keep everything together part. Either ways, I just want to sleep but that's apparently for the weak. Then again, I can sleep when I'm dead. Tried to do some writing, feeling irritated at various things about it. But still trying, to get everything going and working. Being competent and capable isn't an option anymore? Which, idk. Confuses me sometimes. I just want to sit down for one more. But everything here, for such a slow city, is constantly on the move for me.
Met up with a good friend from the department store days. She's asking me to come back, and I'm considering it. Mainly for the pay, and one certain department. I dropped by when meeting her for dinner and my shoe department girls were lovely to me. I do miss the shoe department, the chats and that particular team. Maybe we'll see how it goes. But that's just the main thought, if I really can go back to that.
Been driving with the window down when on the highway. I don't know if this is just for the fresh air or just to feel the wind. Recently, I want to drive back to my childhood home to see if the field of grass I used to play on is still there. Maybe I might.
basic gist of things.
my laptop decided to die the day before an assignment was due (of the academic kind), I managed to turn grades around for one subject, thank goodness. I managed to drop some weight, so with the registration around the corner, maybe I won't feel like a goose. enrolled for different subjects, thank you Shiichan for helping me on that with my silly phone call. ended up letting go of some friendships, trying to maintain another. secret part time job and all. uni has me going stir crazy and trying to get this entry in here for no real reason, whilst doing some writing and uni and all that.
maybe I just wanted a moment to breathe.
sort of thinking about how I feel about people and how things have changed. maybe it's just that I've accepted that people will always talk, and not in the sense that I'm enviable or wonderful or even a good person but it's just the world I've grown up in. I can't own it, I can't suddenly make a comeback. but it's just how it is.
it helps though, to have people checking up here and there. I think it's probably just that I've also accepted the stupid bubble that this city is. that when I'm away from this place, I'm someone else, that I'm not miserable or strange or that source of gossip, I'm just me. so this bubble, all I have to do is just be someone in this bubble. that sounds so awful but it's just how it is, right.
exams in two weeks, so we'll see how that goes.